Gambling Jokes

We have compiled a list of poker jokes to try and keep those spirits up when things aren't going your way in the poker room. 

A doctor answers his telephone one evening and hears the voice of his colleague calling from the poker room.  "We need a fourth for poker" he says urgently.
"I'll be right over" the doctor replies gravely.
As he is getting ready to leave, his wife asks with concern "is it serious?"
"Very" he replies, "there are three doctors there already"

What's the difference between a large cheese pizza and a poker player?
A large cheese pizza can feed a family of four, a poker player can't.

The best kind of bet to make is a mind bet.  Stand behind the game and try to predict the winner.  I did this last night and I lost my mind three times.

A Rabbi, a Minister and a Priest are in a poker room and suddenly, the police raid the game.  A policeman asks the Priest "Father O'Leary, were you gambling?"  Father O'Leary looks heavenward and says under his breath, "Lord forgives me" and replies to the policeman "No officer I was not gambling."  The policeman directs the same question at the Minister "Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?"  The Minister gazes heavenward and says under his breath "Lord forgives me" and says to the policeman, "No officer, I was not gambling."  Finally, turning to the Rabbi, the policeman asks "Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?" and the Rabbi replied with a shrug of the shoulders "with whom?"

What's the difference between prayer in a church and prayer in a casino?
In a casino you really mean it.
 
Two neighbours are chatting one day and one lady says to the other "my good for nothing husband wanted me to sleep with the landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker "  Her shocked neighbour replies "you didn't do it did you?"  The lady replied "of course I did, I had no choice but I'm not going to tell him the rent is paid for the next six months though!"

Did you hear about the $3 million West Virginia State Lottery?
The winner gets $3 a year for a million years!

A homeless person asks a man if he can spare $2.  "Sure, but will you buy booze" replies the man.  "No" says the homeless person.  "Will you gamble it away?" asks the man.  "No" says the homeless person.  So the man replies "will you come home with me, I want my wife to see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble"
 

There's the touching story of the young man who said to his girlfriend, "I bet you wouldn't marry me." The story goes that she not only called his bet but she raised him five!

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things. I just won the California lottery!" Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?" The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"

A regular Friday night poker game was still going strong well after midnight when one of the players returned from bathroom with an urgent report. "Roger, listen," he told the host, "Walter's in the kitchen making love to your wife!" "OK, that's it, guys," Roger said. "This is positively the last deal."

Two dog owners were bragging about the intelligence of their pets. "The brightest dog I ever had," said one, "was a Great Dane that could play cards. He was a whiz at poker, but I had him put to sleep." "You had him put to sleep, a bright dog like that? A dog like that would be worth a million dollars." "Had to," he replied, "Caught him using marked cards!"

He never answered any questions but his homework was always quite excellent. If any one said anything to him he would simply no d, or shake his head. The staff thought he was shy and decided to do something to give him confidence. "Tommy," said his teacher. "I've just bet Miss Smith $5 I can get you to say three words. You can have half." Tommy looked at her slyly and said, "You lose."

A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags. "Where are you going?" demands the surprised husband. "To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $500 to do what I do for you for free!" The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing HIS bags. "What do you think you are doing?" she screamed. "I'm going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you're going to live on $1000 a year!"

A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer. The player said, "When I get bad cards, it's not the dealers fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously had nothing to do with it so why should I tip him?" The dealer said, "When you eat out do you tip the waiter?" "Yes." "Well then, he serves you food, I'm serving you cards so you should tip me." "OK, but, the waiter gives me what I ask for...I'll take an eight."